Um.....did I just ovulate??!!

I am pretty sure that I actually ovulated yesterday! It's been so long...it feels like a dream. I am almost too afraid to get my hopes up.

I had O pains on Saturday night. Usually I ovulate the day I have the pains, but there have been a few times where I ovulated the day after. I really expected to see a temp rise Sunday morning, which was CD 32. But it was actually a few tenths lower then the previous day. That really made me upset--I felt my body was just fucking with me! I HAD O PAINS, DAMMIT!!

Well, today, CD 33, I woke up to my highest temp by far--97.59! I definitely had to have ovulated - my cervix is closing and lowering, my CM is drying up, and I had O pains the day before. Even with all of these signs, I am STILL cautiously optimistic. It is so hard to trust my body anymore.

Fertility Friend has me at 5 DPO right now, which I know isn't right. There is no way I O'd 5 days ago. I went ahead and logged in 2 fake high temps for tomorrow and Wednesday, and it then changed my O date to CD 32, which is when I think I really O'd.

The only thing that is really bugging me, is Jason and I didn't GIO last night. We had done so 4 days straight, and we needed a break. So, of course I O the day we decide not to have sex. Oh well, I am sure it is fine. My EWCM was really abundant this time - it actually reached mythic 10" proportions.

Now, it's the waiting game.....

Earth to ovaries...what the fuck are you doing?!

Wow.....This cycle. I have no idea what is going on.

My cervix has been SHOW for 2 weeks, at least, even with EWCM the whole damn time! I had a small temp shift on CD 29, but the next day it took a nosedive right back down. Then it went up a little again yesterday morning which was CD 31, in fact, it was the highest temp in a few weeks--a whopping 97.31. Then, last night I had the O pains. There is NO MISTAKING my O pains--they hurt! I was so excited and hopeful - you mean I am finally going to ovulated after 3 months?! They have NEVER occurred without an O following them, and I was so sure my temp would be high this AM--but no! Right after O my cervix usually starts closing, but it's still SHOW with EWCM (seriously, how much EWCM can one woman produce??).

I just went to Fertility Friend, just for the heck of it, I logged in two fake high temps for tomorrow and the next day, just to see what it would do with O and cross hairs. Well, they put O on CD28, which definitely does not coincide with O pains, cervix and EWCM.

Huh?!

Wedding disasters and Bad birth experiences

I just happened to catch a few moments of a court show on TV. In it, a young couple were suing the photographers they had hired for their wedding. The reason? The photos were "too blurry". The judge ended with a closing statement in which she pointed her finger at the photographers and very sternly said, "This was HER day. It's the MOST important day in her life. She TRUSTED you--for some odd reason. She can never get those memories back..."

I have seen many, many talk shows or TV court shows where a woman is very distraught --often brought to tears--when she talks about her wedding that "went wrong". How she had planned this day for so long, it was HER MOMENT, she will NEVER get it back. Even how traumatizing it was for her.

It dawned on me--women are given more sympathy (and more air time) for their wedding day disasters, than women who a bad birth experience! I would love to see the reaction if one tried to go on Judge Judy or something attempting to sue for an unnecessary c/s, small claims and all. They would probably get looked at cock-eyed, maybe even a "Get over it lady. Your baby is here and healthy".

What is it about this culture?? We value the woman's right to be a "princess" for a day, "The Dress", pictures, cake and champagne more than the woman's right to informed consent, to be treated with dignity and respect, free of coercion and harmful, unnecessary intervention.

The judge's closing statement could have easily been (and SHOULD be) said to an OB/Medwife, "This was HER day. It's the MOST important day in her life. She TRUSTED you--for some odd reason. She can never get those memories back...(or her unscarred uterus)".

I guess if you had a shitty wedding, everyone and Judge Judy has your back, but if you had a shitty birth--you're screwed.

Going to see a RE!

The Medwife at the crappy OB's office called me today out of the blue, and I was shocked to say the least. She told me that due to insurance reasons, many OB's won't or can't prescribe Clomid now. She is setting up a consultation with an RE at Yale New Haven hospital! I hear Yale is excellent! She is going to call me tomorrow (let's see how that works out) with the details.

I know I am moving, but I don't care. I am not moving for another two whole months (closing is August 25th), and I think that is enough time to go get checked, hopefully given Clomid and maybe FINALLY a fucking diagnosis! Even if I am still seeing them when we move, it will be about an hour away, but I can and must do it. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Now I just have to talk to Jason about this when he gets home. I know a RE is more money out of your pocket, but it needs to be done. I need to at least go to the consultation.

I hope, hope, hope this is what I need to get the help I DESERVE!!!

Haven't ovulated in 3 months

It dawned on me today. The last time I actually ovulated was March 24th.

I haven't ovulated in 3 months.

Wow, that's absolutely ideal when you're TTC, isn't it? How the heck am I going to get pregnant with no ovulation? Okay, the last cycle ovulation could have been right around the corner - but when CD 40 rolled around and still not even a twinge, I was sick of waiting so I took the Provera. Yes, it bothers me that I could have very well wasted my chance that month, but I will never know for sure.

Today, I am on CD 25. As always, my stubborn cervix is still the usual high, soft and open crap (seriously, I think it's stuck that way). Still having EWCM, yadda yadda.

Okay, I don't care what anyone says, something is UP. Whether it be hormones or cysts or plain 'ole stress - this just isn't right.

Note to ovaries (or to whatever is fucking up my cycles): WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT WITHOUT AN EGG! SO GET TO IT!!!!!!!!

Playing Doctor

I called the OBGYN first thing this morning. Of course it took a few tries since the phone was busy, but I finally got through to somebody.

I told the receptionist the issue, and she put me on hold, and transferred me to another woman (Hmmm...could it be because the woman that answered was the same woman who promised a call back yesterday and wanted to avoid a possible altercation?). I told this other lady I wanted her to fax over the lab results to Jason's work. Which she did. Right away.

Now, was that so hard??

Ugh! Never again will I deal with these incompetent assholes! They are by far the WORST doctors office (never mind OBGYN) that I have ever encountered! Good riddance!!

Anyways, I guess I am going to play my own doctor until I get a new one near our new home. So here are my numbers:

TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone): 1.52 (and what do you know?? They DO still use the old numbers! They state on my report that the ideal range is .4-4.50!! The new numbers are supposed to be .3 to 3! I KNEW IT! INCOMPETENT!!)

FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone): 3.9

Both numbers are in normal range. One thing I didn't see on my report is T3 levels. I saw T4, but all it said was TSH w/free T4 rfx, so I assuming they tested my TSH and T4, but not T3. They also didn't check my LH. I thought that would be important when TTC.

One thing I did notice, was as I was googling, I kept seeing the same thing pop up -- PCOS. It is a syndrome, so it can be very difficult to diagnose. I also read that many women with PCOS have their TSH and FSH tests come back normal, and what should be tested is T4 and T3 levels, LH, and androgen and prolactin levels.

Hmmm...more things to inquire about with my new doc. This time I am finding a GOOD one. I have found many bad doctors by going with the convenience factor. Please, if you are looking for a good doctor, take it from me- never ever EVER go with someone just because they are close to your home or work.

I did that two times. And I ended up with a shitty experience two times.

The first time was my OB when I was pregnant with Mason. We had just moved back to Connecticut from Boston, and being the typical anxious first time mommy-to-be, I thought I needed a doc fast (I mean, how scary not to pee in a cup at the doctors office every month!). In Boston, I was seeing a midwife at Mass. General (still don't know if that was necessarily a good thing....). She was very sweet and took the time to answer all my questions during our pre-natal appointments. So, when we moved back to CT, I wanted a midwife.

Well, I called the OBGYN practice that was literally walking distance to my home.

BIG MISTAKE.

I asked them if they had any midwives there. Nope. But did I pursue other avenues? Nope, I was a dumbass.

BIGGER MISTAKE.

So, I ended up with a horrible, horrible doctor who pushed me into an induction (though I could and should have refused) and I ended up in the OR and left in pieces.

BIGGEST MISTAKE.

Did I learn my lesson?? Nope. When I moved into another town, I needed a new OB. What did I do? I looked in the phone book for the closest one. Oh, look! There's one right around the corner! This OBGYN practice is the incompetent one I am dealing with today. I guess that's what you get for being lazy.

You get shit.

Next time, I don't care if I need to drive across state lines. I am getting the care and attention I deserve! And maybe even some answers this time!!

I guess a good doc is hard to find. Need I say more?

Houses, TTC and Thyroids....oh my

The house inspection was today. Unfortunately, I didn't go, I was home with Mason. Since Jason works close by, he went right after work.

It went wonderfully.

Jason told me that the inspector and appraiser kept telling him we got a great deal. The house is amazing, even in all of it's 1970's paneling splendor. I can't wait to get my hands on it! There are so many projects we want to get started on, I keep going over them in my head.

Closing is set for August 25th, which is perfect since our lease here is up September 1st. We have a little over 2 months left of renting hell. Normally, I would be dreading this time of year--lease almost up, time to look for new apartment, pack and move everything with my Dad's pick-up truck. This time, I am actually looking forward to packing and moving! It will be so exciting! Jason also told me that the agency our realtor works for actually supplies a FREE moving truck! Can you believe it? We can do it in one trip! This is all too perfect, I am almost bracing for the bad news.

Jason was telling me that during the inspection, he would get a moment of clarity, stop and look around with a goofy grin on his face--this is going to be our house! We will have wonderful memories of holidays, birthdays, family get togethers and barbecues, Mason growing up, another pregnancy and birth.

Oh yes, birth. A perfect house to birth in.

****

Well, here it is, CD 21 and no ovulation to be found. Eh, nothing new.

I actually got really annoyed today, and called my OBGYN to demand someone go over the blood work with me, number by number. Unfortunately, I got annoyed at the end of the day as they were closing, so Carol the Medwife wasn't in. The receptionist could tell I was upset, so she promised me that Carol would call me back tomorrow to go over the results with me.

I had posted my chart online, and a few women told me that my chart looked a lot like their charts. Well, one had hypothyroidism, and the other "hormonal issues" (didn't really clarify which). I then proceeded to ask Dr. Google about the appropriate TSH results when TTC. As it turns out, many docs still go by the "old" numbers--anything from .5 to 5 is okay, and anything outside that range is indicative of thyroid issues. With this old test guideline, many thyroid issues go undiagnosed. I found that, in 2003, the American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists (AACE) states anything from .3 to 3 is considered normal, and anything outside that range is not. A lot of articles say that many doctors aren't even aware of this, or just do not acknowledge it. I wouldn't doubt if my doc uses the old numbers.

Well, hopefully tomorrow I will finally find that out.

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.......

There is absolutely nothing going on.

It is CD 19 today. Cervix still high and open, has been for a week or so. Still no ovulation.

Ho-hum.

I am already starting to think about how long I should wait until I ask for another script of Provera.

Shitty memories

Without a doubt, Mason's favorite album has to be Tom Petty's Greatest Hits. He loves it to pieces. There is nothing better than turning on the stereo, and watching his face light up as he dances to the same music I loved as a child.

There's this one song that really reminds me of him. It's called "Learning to Fly". I guess it may have something to do with the fact that Mason is very young, barely starting out on his life journey and just beginning to figure things out. In a sense, he is just learning to fly.

Today, as I was sitting there with a huge smile on my face, watching him dance to this song, I realized something.

The song starts off with the lines:

"I started out down a dirty road;
I started out all alone"


I started out all alone. Then it hit me. He did.

He was ripped from me, I didn't get to touch him, he never felt my touch, our eyes never met- he never saw me, never felt my warmth, never heard my familiar voice. He was whisked away to the nursery.

All alone.

For two whole hours he was bundled up in a sterile hospital blanket in an ugly plastic bassinet. He was placed next to all the other lonely babies that should have been with their mommas, lined up on display in front of the huge glass window, so passersby can "oooh" and "ahhh" at the them.

Like fucking zoo animals.

Meanwhile, there I lay in recovery, passed out - unable to care for my son. I wasn't there for him. I was too busy reclaiming my guts.

It hurts me so bad to think about what he must have been feeling. Was he afraid? When they finally brought him to me, did he know who I was? As our eyes finally met, instead of joy, there was a numbness and confusion. I wasn't even sure he was mine. After he was handed to me, I thought,"Is this even my baby? This could be any baby from the nursery". I didn't see him come out of me, I didn't actually see him until that moment - there was no connection from the baby in my belly to the baby they handed to me.

I still can't believe those were the first thoughts I ever had of my son. It breaks my heart beyond repair.

I never want him to know that.

I don't know why, but it seems to hurt more now than it ever did before. I know I couldn't have been there - as I was passed out in recovery, totally immobile - but that doesn't help with the pain, regret, anger....I don't think anything ever will.

It really took that smile right off my face. That song has a whole new meaning now. I don't think I will ever be able to hear that song again without thinking about that horrible memory.

Stress, stress and more stress

And I wonder why I ovulate late or don't at all.

The house situation is looking pretty good. We sent in all the paperwork for the loan approval, inspection is set up for later this week, and Jason and I have to attend a stupid first time home buyer class. What a waste of time. We have to find a sitter for Mason. So many hoops to jump through; I just can't wait until this is all over and we have the keys in our hand.

This Friday, we have to sleep over my sister Anne's house. One of our sisters is getting married this Saturday, and the wedding, for some reason, is 10:00 AM. We are also bridesmaids. Talk about rush-rush! I hope Mason handles sleeping in is pack n' play well. That will be fun - getting all dolled up for a wedding in the morning with a toddler running around. Thankfully, Jason will be there.

I checked my cervix this morning, and it's already high, and open. It's currently CD 14, so maybe I am actually going to have one of my short cycles, with ovulation on CD 17. Hmmm...that would be on Saturday, of course. Right in time for the slumber party and the wedding. Great.

I am going to take an OPK tonight. I'll update if news worthy.

Three BFP's...none of them mine

I posted before about a private little TTC message board I am a part of. There are just 6 members, all of us taking longer than 6 months to TTC. We were once part of a main board, but when everyone around us was getting pregnant right away, or without even trying, we parted ways. We started our own little group, appropriately titled "TTC Misfits".

A while back, one member became pregnant. We were happy. Wow-you mean we all can get pregnant again?

For a while, no one else followed. Then a few months later, another grad. We were over the moon for her. Then, about 1 week later, another grad! She had been trying for over a year! Then, today, yet another BFP!

First of all, I am so happy for all of them. Seeing their BFP's gives me hope. Hearing the news was like hearing a best friend announce their pregnancy.

But, of course, there are the not so happy feelings.

Just two women are left that are still not pregnant, still TTC. One of them is me. It sucks to feel left out. They are talking about morning sickness and fatigue, and me and M are still talking about negative OPK's and cervical fluid. Two of the three women have been TTC for over a year, and I have been TTC for about 9 months--but still, it hurts.

I know I have been saying that lately I am not as stressed about TTC. Which is true, but hearing the news of all the pregnancies, hearing the giddiness--it hurts. It reminds me of what I don't have.

I know it will happen. I just hope it happens before RE's and Clomid.

VBAC's and repeat cesareans

I notice that on my poll at the top right, as of today, no one has answered with "repeat cesarean". Now, I know a repeat cesarean is more popular than that, but I am assuming most women that come across my blog aren't very c-section friendly.

After Mason was born, I vividly remember already thinking about what I would do next time, and how the cesarean had ruined my reproductive years. It had cast a shadow on it, and will continue to do so every time we decide to TTC, for every pregnancy, every romp in the hay (gotta love those adhesions). I remember thinking, only momentarily-like a flash in my mind-"Should I just go ahead and have a repeat cesarean?"

Yes, admittedly, I was petrified of uterine rupture. At that point I was still very much a naive post-partum momma. All I ever heard about VBAC was the risk of uterine rupture, and nothing of the 99%-99.5% chance of not rupturing. I remember feeling very pissed off that I even had to make that decision. I was feeling very angry and regretful.

I knew, in that instant, in that moment the thought of a repeat swirled in my head--the bright lights of the operating room, the creepy numbness, laying there...just laying there, being cut open.....it just made me nauseous. I knew that a repeat cesarean would not be in my future. Never again.

It was going to be a vaginal birth.

Whenever I meet women in real life and on the internet in message boards and blogs that are signing up for a repeat, I always have this need to ask the question,"Why?" I never ask it. They made their choice. I am just fascinated that what can make one woman cringe, have nightmares and PTSD, is actually preferred by the other.

I am not saying one is definitely right, the other absolutely wrong. I think the VBAC/repeat cesarean decision is huge, and it's hard. It's multi-faceted. It's a choice many women unfortunately have to make (a lot more often these days, too). I am just very curious about the decision making process that leads to a repeat cesarean. I am not talking medically indicated cesareans for placenta acretta or previa, I mean repeats because the mother feels more comfortable with it.

I am curious, really, I am. I am not meaning to mock or be sarcastic. These are real questions I would love honest, candid answers to. I fear another cesarean, and aren't we fascinated and want to understand what we fear? I would actually really love if an elective repeat cesarean momma came across my blog and answered these questions for me. Here they are:

What are all the reasons why you chose a repeat cesarean? If you are planning a non-labor cesarean (which I assume most are), does it bother you that your child will be born before they are really ready? Do you miss the excitement of anticipation of labor? If you ever look at the videos and pictures of vaginal births (think unmedicated or homebirth), or read the birth stories, and see and hear about the mommas up and mobile, baby placed on their chest, etc. do you get jealous? Do you feel like you are missing out at all? Are you afraid of risks of yet another surgery? If you say you enjoy your cesareans, can you please extrapolate?

What are the reasons that I am choosing VBAC?

First off, lets start with uterine rupture. In conversation, whenever I had the chance to bring up the fact that I was planning a VBAC, it was always met with,"Aren't you afraid of uterine rupture?" Always a staple of the conversation. Always.

Well, heck yeah I am afraid of it. I sure as hell don't want to have a uterine rupture--does anyone? The odds are pretty good that I won't have one, though. To me, the 100% chance of trauma being done to my body with surgery is more of a risk than the .5%-1% chance I would have a uterine rupture.

I am petrified of another surgery. I plan on more children and the more cesareans you have, the riskier they get. I want to avoid any more adhesions--I already have some pelvic pain due to them. I also want to avoid any more lower abdominal numbness (it's a weird feeling to be robbed of sensation of your own body). I want to wait for labor to start on its' own, when baby is ready. I look forward to the start of labor--I remember waiting for it when I was pregnant with Mason, and it was so exciting, being full of so much anticipation. I want to be able to feel birth. Whenever I see the unmedicated vaginal birth or homebirth stories and videos, I get a sting of jealousy. I want to experience that so bad. The cesarean made me feel like a failure, and it made me feel like less of a woman. You can tell me "but you nurtured a baby in your womb for 9 months.." yadda, yadda, and all that jazz, but honestly, if I never get to experience a vaginal birth, I will continue to feel like a failure. I would feel weak. It would just plain suck.

Wait, there's more.

I hope that, when I do become pregnant, I get my VBAC. I hope I get to finally see and feel my baby emerge from my body. I want to once again feel wholly feminine. I don't want to hear the beeping machines, or blinded by the bright lights in the OR, or be in a cold, sterile room to "give birth". I want more than one loved one present if I so wish, I don't want strangers hiding behind a blue, sterile sheet that have some sort of privledge to see what I am not "allowed" to. I don't want to be cut open and stapled back together. I want to be the first to see and hold my baby, not last. I don't want to just lay there helplessly again, full of anxiety, as Jason is able to get up and move to see our baby. I don't want to lay down, arms out and strapped down like I am being crucified. I don't want a catheter. I don't want some nurse waking me up every damn hour to check my vitals. I don't want to recover from major abdominal surgery and take care of a newborn at the same time. I don't want a long, painful recovery of limping and not being able to drive or lift heavy things for a few weeks. I don't want to have to take any pain medication. I don't want to have the nightmares, depression, regret and sorrow.

That's why I choose VBAC.

We got the house!!

Well, if everything goes as smooth as it's supposed to! We are so excited! I can't wait to say good-bye to renting and HELLO to home ownership!

We are probably going to close somewhere in July/August. August would be perfect for us, since our lease is up August 31st. I just can't wait to get this show on the road!

We are going to be home owners!!!!

STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!

I was just lurking on an expecting club message board. I saw a post titled,"Inducing at 38 weeks?"

Something told me,"No! Don't do it! You will just get pissed off and want to puke!" But did I listen? No. I clicked on it. And yes, I do want to puke, and I am very pissed off. Not to mention in awe of the pure ignorance some pregnant women have these days.

There were 15 replies, and as I was reading through them, I was thinking, okay, here comes a post from someone with sense--right NOW!...um, right now?...no?? Okay, right NOW!! Nope. There was one measly "please be careful and read up on all the risks"post, and it was posted by a member with no siggy and posting total, and that usually means someone logged on under a different name and posted, in fear of using her real screen name, and getting "reported" to moderators for being "unsupportive" simply because she is bringing up risks to someone's "dream" of being induced early because she is "miserable". Yeah, it happened to me.

Out of all the women inducing, there was ONE woman who may actually need an induction, for Pre-Eclampsia. A real medical indication for induction. ONE WOMAN OUT OF 15!

The reasons why these other women wanted to be induced? Okay, are you ready for this? Here are their 'medical reasons' that indicate an induction before 40 weeks:

Pelvic pain

Convenience (family coming to visit)

Miserable and tired

Women elect cesareans, why can't we induce early?

In one woman's own words: My doctor induces me for a day he is on, because he lets me deliver them vaginally. If I went into labor on my own, any of the other doctors in the practice would make me have a c-section.

Another woman: I also dont want a large baby and since this is my 3rd my babies get bigger each time. I'm small framed and will start putting the induction idea in my OBs head by week 37 and ask her to induce me by week 38.

Now, this next one had me really scratching my head.....and scared the SHIT out of me: I'm for it! There is NOTHING wrong with me, actually not even THAT uncomfortable (knock on wood!), and my Dr. is inducing me at 38 1/2 weeks! The group induces all of their patients! He said by 38 weeks the baby is ready - so why not get them out in the real world! I know it's REALLY because they are 3 men, who just don't want to get called out in the middle of the night all of the time, but they wouldn't do it if there was a risk! I think it's becoming more common these days - I'm just so anxious to meet her, they can take her whenever they want!! I trust them, they did go to med school and have been in practice for YEARS!

Oh. My. Fucking. Goodness.

Her doctor wants to induce her for a day "he is on", because he LETS her deliver 'them' vaginally?? LETS her?! Any of the other doctors in the practice would MAKE her have a c-section?? MAKE her?! She doesn't want a large baby?? She's "small framed" and she will "start putting the induction idea" in her "OBs head by week 37"? They induce all their patients? (The baby is definitely ready by 38 weeks---for EVERY woman, EVERY time??) Get them "out into the real world'? They wouldn't induce if there were risks? (Wow. Doctors perform lots of unnecessary plastic surgery, too, but those surgeries definitely aren't "risk free".) They can take her whenever they want?? (I found that comment extremely disturbing) They went to medical school, so therefore, they MUST be right?(I guess she never heard the joke: Q. what do you call a student that finishes last in their class? A. a doctor) This woman also loudly proclaims, very proudly, that she has NOTHING wrong with her, and will go ahead with an early induction. She readily admits that the three doctors probably induce just because they don't want to get "called out in the middle of the night all the time..."

Is this the twilight zone? Did I read that right? Excuse my crassness, but do these woman question ANYTHING?? Do any of these women think for themselves at ALL?? Or do they all blindly trust? Their babies are involved in all of this---is this not a serious enough decision that would propel one to actually read up on studies, you know, do some research? If they did, why not bring it up? I did not read one post that said,"I did lots of research, blah, blah.." Nope. Do you know why? I don't think they did. I think they are trusting their "awesome" OB's. If they did research there wouldn't be posts about "risk-free" inductions. Because there ARE risks. To say otherwise is asinine and down right STUPID.

As the saying goes, "Only sheep need a Shepard"

Am I the only one who sees something wrong here? If the woman and baby are totally fine, why risk an induction? Why risk possible breathing problems, even a NICU stay, for the baby? Why risk a long, much more painful drawn-out labor for the Mother? Or risk a cesarean section? I can't believe how flippant these women are about their baby's health! All they talk about are their painful, splitting pelvises, tiny frames and convenience of scheduling. It's also appalling, and really scary, how doctors are allowing this! It's NAUSEATING!

I was once a member of an expecting club message board a few years ago--I do not remember it being this bad. What the heck is happening? Why does this all seem so enticing?

Maybe women don't even want to get away from the medicalized model of birth. It sure seems like these particular women are as happy as clams about their unnecessary inductions. It's such an uphill battle, one that may never even be won. Sometimes the tide of medicalized, induced, surgical, drugged out birth seems much too strong to fight. "Birth" is going downhill fast, there has to be some big blowout that's underway. It's bound to happen. It's just too fucked up right now to continue on much longer without a hitch. It probably won't be pretty either.

And to think that the former President of ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists), Keith Russell once said,"Home birth is child abuse in its earliest form".

Um, are you sure about that one, Keith?

Lots of things

Okay, so Mason is napping, the apartment is clean, it's a rainy, shitty day and to top it all off, I am bored. So needless to say, this will be a long, rambling post.


First off, the house.

We submitted our offer on Friday. The guy selling his house (who, as we found out, is a total asshole--even his agent can't stand him. Lucky us) came back and said the offer was,"too low". That's it, just a "nope". He didn't even counter! Keep in mind, his house has been on the market for a year, he needs to sell ASAP, and it's totally dated. It was built in 1970, and looked like it hasn't been updated since.

Yesterday, our agent suggested we offer about $15,ooo more than we did originally. We agreed; we both really want this house. As it turns out, about 10 minutes after our agent got a hold of the sellers agent and told him our new offer, he tells her the seller said that if we offered just $5,000 more than that---the house is ours. Okay, so at this point we are very excited. She tells the sellers agent we are game. So what happens? The seller "needs to think about it". What a fucking asshole. I really hope his agent smacks some sense into him. We are basically offering $10,000 below asking price, and in this market--with a house that hasn't had an offer in months--it's a pretty good deal. Even with accepting our offer, he would be making over $100,000 on it. This is not a sellers market. He is just being a stubborn ass.

Hopefully we will hear something today. Our agent (who we both LOVE) told us that we can "sleep comfortably. He will probably accept it". That is very promising.

I will hopefully have an update really soon.


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AF is GONE!!! Good bye, Bitch!

I was debating whether to take Vitex again this morning, and I did. I took it. I am nervous though. I hope it does it's job this time. I hear so many great stories about it, and when I try googling "vitex" and "anovulatory cycle", nothing comes up except how Vitex helps with anovulatory cycles! So, maybe it was jogging that was doing it. I plan on taking just 1 tablet a day instead of 2, so I will be taking just 500 mg this time. I also had Jason start doing the nightly acupressure on me again.

I am approaching TTC with much less anxiety nowadays. I am more annoyed at my long, unpredictable cycles more than anything. I really believe it will happen when it happens, and now more than ever. If we were to conceive back when we first started trying in September of last year, I would have given birth last month! Way too fucking soon! We are still in our apartment and buying our first home. I can honestly say, since hindsight is always 20/20, I am glad it is taking as long as it is.

Yikes. I almost cringed typing that. It sounds so harsh.

Yes, the wait sucks, the disappointment month after month sucks, the jealousy sucks, the wondering what the fuck is wrong with my body sucks, but deep down, I am so happy we don't have another baby right now!


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I started really trying to get into shape in April. I slowly worked my way back up to jogging 30 minutes 4 times a week, plus ab work and light weight training. I am very pleased with the results so far. This is another great goal to have that gets my mind off TTC. Not to mention a healthy one.

I am really proud of myself, I even got Jason back into jogging again. It's such a great form of exercise, I am addicted to the rush. It will be hard to give it up when I do become pregnant. I am thinking about continuing at least through my 2nd trimester. This pregnancy, I vow to be in tip-top shape, I want to be ready for labor, and also make it easier to get back in shape afterwards.

It feels wonderful to look at my body in the mirror, and see ME. Not the post-partum me, but the me I have known for 27 years. It also makes me feel in control again. The changes that happen to your body during pregnancy are a little scary, and seeing the ramifications of that are also overwhelming. It feels good to say Fuck you-I am NOT going to just "accept" the new me--I will embrace her and make her feel sexy again. I definitely need that after the cesarean. That made me feel like the most un-sexy thing that ever walked the planet.

Day at the beach

It was a gorgeous day today, so after Mason's nap we took a walk to the beach.




Mason and daddy








Mason looks like he is thinking about giving the camera the finger








Mason was pissed off after we stuck his feet in the water. You don't wanna mess with him!








Mason and mommy








His little foot :)

We put an offer in on a house

It's in the same town, right on the same lake. It needs some updating on the inside (which I really look forward to doing), but the outside it beautiful. It's very private with lots of trees, though minutes to everything. It's so conveniently located, and much closer to Jason's work (30 minutes as opposed to 1 hour). We put the offer in on Friday, and our realtor said the earliest we would hear about anything would be today, but I doubt it. We probably won't hear anything until tomorrow-at the earliest.

We offered 10% less than the asking price, which, in this market, I hear is common. If he counters, we will only go $10,000 above what we offered. The man hasn't had any offers in months, so I hope he is as motivated as he claims.

On the TTC side of things:

AF is very, very light. I was expecting a kick in the pants from the Provera, but it's been much lighter than any of my natural periods. Weird. It's CD 4 today, so hopefully it's on the way out soon.